Let's just get one thing straight...I am not a 'writer'. Oh sure, I write tv...I've even been paid to write - over twenty hours of television at last count...and a lot more if you count rewrites while on staff producing tv series, but I still do not consider myself a writer in the true sense of the word.
Real writers in my book are not only naturally good, but they do it because they love it. And they plink and specifically plink out screenplays not necessarily because its a great story or a guaranteed sale or hit but just because they have a story they want to tell...one that begins FADE IN. And they love it. Really love to write. Me? I hate it. Makes me nuts. I turn into some kind of snarling, grumpy, sleep-deprived, anxiety-ridden mess. And then when I'm finished and deliver it, I rarely feel any sense of satisfaction. I'm still wondering if I made the right story 'choices', still questioning my characters and their motivation, still doubting whether I made it as good as it could be, and forever damning my dialogue....
And forgive me, but I am rather envious of those who make it look easy. And I've worked with quite a few. Very trying...even discouraging...and it didn't matter that they said that it was a grind and struggle for them also. Or that I was better than I thought I was Liars. I never believed it for a second.
I realized I don't write scripts in my spare time, don't write scripts for for the hell of it, and certainly don't write scripts for fun. I write when I get paid to do it...when a deadline is clear and defined and there is something tangible of sorts at the end of the line(see paycheck and/or produced program). But even when getting paid, I still hate it....or better put, it 'pains' me. And as a result I have dozens of premises, outlines, ideas all undeveloped and unfinished and most of all unwritten tucked in some desk drawer or computer file somewhere...because unless they got pitched and bought, I put them aside....what kind of 'writer' does that?
Am I a storyteller? Sure, and I love it. Do I also direct and produce and story edit? Absolutely, and I love doing that too. And yes, I also write...but ugh! Hate it...
This post is depressing me to no end...too much introspection and self analysis....
So why the hell did I write anything in first place? Well, when and where I started out, if you wanted to direct/make a film, you had to write it first. Nobody was going to do it and then hire a you, a nobody, to make it for them...so you did it yourself - born out of necessity as opposed to love or passion. Then you have a few successes, and then people begin to ask you to write for them or they want to pay you to write something you pitched for development...and you can't say no to that., can you?
And then you move to the center of the universe (as far as Canada goes), and a number of stars allign and you get hired onto the story departments of some tv series, and you have to write ALL THE TIME...and as much grief it may cause you, it also pays very well...and you can't say no to that, can you? (well, maybe you can, but I didn't)
And then you are encouraged to move to the center of the universe (as far as US film and tv goes), and you do, and then very quickly it really hits home...you are such a small fish and such a huge pond - and if your calling card is primarily writing but you don't really love to write, well its time to rethink everything. And I did.
Real writers in my book are not only naturally good, but they do it because they love it. And they plink and specifically plink out screenplays not necessarily because its a great story or a guaranteed sale or hit but just because they have a story they want to tell...one that begins FADE IN. And they love it. Really love to write. Me? I hate it. Makes me nuts. I turn into some kind of snarling, grumpy, sleep-deprived, anxiety-ridden mess. And then when I'm finished and deliver it, I rarely feel any sense of satisfaction. I'm still wondering if I made the right story 'choices', still questioning my characters and their motivation, still doubting whether I made it as good as it could be, and forever damning my dialogue....
And forgive me, but I am rather envious of those who make it look easy. And I've worked with quite a few. Very trying...even discouraging...and it didn't matter that they said that it was a grind and struggle for them also. Or that I was better than I thought I was Liars. I never believed it for a second.
I realized I don't write scripts in my spare time, don't write scripts for for the hell of it, and certainly don't write scripts for fun. I write when I get paid to do it...when a deadline is clear and defined and there is something tangible of sorts at the end of the line(see paycheck and/or produced program). But even when getting paid, I still hate it....or better put, it 'pains' me. And as a result I have dozens of premises, outlines, ideas all undeveloped and unfinished and most of all unwritten tucked in some desk drawer or computer file somewhere...because unless they got pitched and bought, I put them aside....what kind of 'writer' does that?
Am I a storyteller? Sure, and I love it. Do I also direct and produce and story edit? Absolutely, and I love doing that too. And yes, I also write...but ugh! Hate it...
This post is depressing me to no end...too much introspection and self analysis....
So why the hell did I write anything in first place? Well, when and where I started out, if you wanted to direct/make a film, you had to write it first. Nobody was going to do it and then hire a you, a nobody, to make it for them...so you did it yourself - born out of necessity as opposed to love or passion. Then you have a few successes, and then people begin to ask you to write for them or they want to pay you to write something you pitched for development...and you can't say no to that., can you?
And then you move to the center of the universe (as far as Canada goes), and a number of stars allign and you get hired onto the story departments of some tv series, and you have to write ALL THE TIME...and as much grief it may cause you, it also pays very well...and you can't say no to that, can you? (well, maybe you can, but I didn't)
And then you are encouraged to move to the center of the universe (as far as US film and tv goes), and you do, and then very quickly it really hits home...you are such a small fish and such a huge pond - and if your calling card is primarily writing but you don't really love to write, well its time to rethink everything. And I did.
I know I will keep producing, and keep directing, and keep story editing, and even teaching - screenwriting none the less...but me, and writing? Well, I started doing it here...and there's certainly no paycheck waiting at the end of a blog post...so maybe just maybe I should just try writing something for fun...tell a story I want to tell as opposed to just sell - and see what happens...
But whatever comes out of it, I'll still always know one thing...I'll never be a real 'writer'.
Are you?
But whatever comes out of it, I'll still always know one thing...I'll never be a real 'writer'.
Are you?
ARTIST & SONG? - "You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here? "
2 comments:
Talking Heads - "Once in a Lifetime".
I'm a little bit of both. I have this friend who writes every day, constantly coming up with stories, short films, crazy ideas. Some of it is pure gold, most of it is forgotten the next day. I wish I was like that.
Unless I have a deadline, I can find a million things to do instead of writing. Re-watch The Shield season three, figure out how to get better download speeds, do my taxes. Then a deadling approaches, the fear sets in and I almost kill myself in the process of writing.
When the smoke clears, despite my bloodshot eyes, sore back and buzzed mind, I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I loved the trance I had been in for 5 days. I loved the sense of accomplishment. I even love the script, at least for a day or two until I decide I hate it.
And then, I forget how much I loved doing the work and promptly go back to watching Prison Break, Huff and MASH reruns until the next deadline panic sets in.
I've written 10 specs, 1 short, and one tv pilot (under re-write)...I've been a little lucky to option a couple and be assigned to one...
but all and all, my success is marginal so far at best, but hey I'm still young.
Am I a writer?
Well, I hate rewriting. With a passion. Something so crucial and such the crux of great writing, but I hate it...so I'm not sure if I'm a writer. I get into states while rewriting that just drag me down...lately it's been more bearable and this is no dount in part to my taking on of 'better structure' when I write...but I still just love hammering out a story that I'm inspired by and then seeing where I've ended up...
maybe I'm a writer...
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